They say write about what you know, which helps to explain why my subject is seagulls again.

I keep meaning to tackle other topics. But as my fingers approach the keyboard I hear a manic cackling from above.

At which point I look up and ask my editor to stop swinging from the rafters so that I can hear the seagulls.

They are the most pressing issue facing the nation at the moment, are they not?

If you’re thinking “Really? What about something beginning with ‘B’?” then you’re absolutely right: big seagulls.

They are nesting on the roof at work. They are also nesting near my home.

For all I know these might be the same seagulls, following me wherever I go.

That may sound paranoid. But it’s difficult not to be paranoid when all you can hear day and night is the sound of unexplained laughter.

I wish I knew what they find so funny.

Perhaps repeats of Only Fools and Horses - the one where Del Boy falls through the bar - are being shown on rooftops around the country.

Things took a more sinister turn this week while walking across the car park at work.

Two baby seagulls were tottering across the tarmac.

Oh dear. I’ve watched enough David Attenborough documentaries to recognise the need to tread carefully.

Sir David is more likely to concern himself with wildebeest on the Serengeti plains than seagulls in a Cumbrian car park, which I feel is the viewing public’s loss.

But the principle of not coming between a parent and their offspring remains universal.

I could have walked around the chicks. But the brooding resentment I’d been feeling for weeks at my summer being lived to a soundtrack of squawks spilled over.

I kept walking, straight between the chicks, refusing to change my route by even one step.

I’d show the seagulls who’s boss!

Seconds later an adult seagull swooped inches over my head while making a particularly angry noise.

Imagine it had just been given a parking ticket and you’ll get the idea.

I scampered past, feeling stupid for doubting that seagulls are the boss.

So what are we going to do about it? Gulls are a protected species. The law recognises that control measures may be necessary, but nuisance is not a legal reason to kill them.

A threat to public health and safety can be reason to grant a licence. If it takes me being picked up and carried to a rooftop, so be it.