I’ve just paid my annual visit to Love Island. Not much has changed since last year. It’s still an everyday tale of bodybuilders, models and social media influencers looking for love.

Or, failing that, a quick fumble.

To be fair, I should point out that they’re not all bodybuilders, models and social media influencers.

One of them is an ‘eyelash technician’.

Things seem to have changed since my school careers lessons. Who knows what other options are out there now. Earlobe engineer?

You learn a lot about modern life on Love Island. A female islander referred to one chap as her “half-boyfriend”.

I’d never heard this phrase. According to the Urban Dictionary website, it refers to ‘a male that you do relationship things with but you are not in a relationship with. You can hook up with other guys with no worries cause you’re half single.’

It’s easy to see how this would be an attractive arrangement on Love Island.

One woman struggled to choose between two men. She said: “I spent one night with one and one with the other. I just don’t know.”

I have a similar problem with Aldi granola bars. Honey or maple syrup? I alternate them: not sure if that would solve the Love Island lady’s problem.

Later she added: “I don’t actually know what love is.”

I waited for I Want To Know What Love Is by Foreigner to start playing over footage of her gazing into a young man’s eyes, followed by footage of her gazing into another young man’s eyes.

Instead we saw a game in which the islanders tried to land a ball in a cup. If they failed, they had to down an alcoholic drink.

Not many games see losing give a better result than winning.

Much of the conversation centred on how “fit” other islanders are.

That’s the kind of thing my friends and I used to discuss when we were that age.

I never thought the day would come when the pub conversations I had in 1994 were top-rated TV.

What are they going to talk about next? Carlisle United’s away form? How these new-fangled portable telephones will never catch on?

I’m trying not to look down my nose at Love Island. If I was young enough and pretty enough, I’d be applying to take part.

My only chance now is for ITV to make a middle-aged version of the programme.

The contestants would discuss pensions, complain about the heat and fall asleep after one game of throwing a ball at a cup.