Should I go back to my eyeliner?

Some time ago, when I had hair, stayed out later than 10pm and got shouted at by my mam for blunting her scissors because I used them to cut holes in belts that weren’t tight enough for my waist, I used to wear make-up.

Eye liner.

It was punky, edgy, and - I thought - cool.

It was a bit embarrassing buying it over the counter at Boots (I was told No7 was the best), but once I had it on, no-one laughed or even tittered.

It didn’t seem to put any girls off.

What I do remember is that it could be a right faff to get right and it made me appreciate what girls (and, later in life, ladies) go through.

I couldn’t always get it right and one eye often looked a bit different to the other.

I normally didn’t have time to get it just right if I was to make it down the pub in time before going onto the club.

Apparently it has all made a come-back. Eyeliner is now calle ‘guyliner’ mascara is ‘manscara’ and there are all sorts of creams and foundations and concealers just for blokes.

I’m all for it. Whatever makes you feel better - within reason. Just remember what you really look like.

Things have changed a bit for me. I no longer have to worry about my hair (any hair). I’m still making holes in belts - at the other end of the belt. My eyes look as though they’ve had some treatment (that’ll be the red rims).

I could probably use some cosmetic enhancement but I don’t think I’ll bother. The amount I need would have to be carried out by a hospital, rather than over a Boots counter.

n It really is time for us to get out of Europe.

We make hardly an effort at all, other countries either ignore us or hate us and we’re just embarrassing ourselves.

No, I’m not talking about the EU and the Euro-elections by Eurovision.

I thought nothing could be worse than the 10 minutes I spent hiding behind the sofa when Madonna was singing.

But no, the shocking song and complete lack of presence of our entry took me beyond embarrassing to utter bafflement.

It was no surprise when we came plumb last. With an astonishing 16 points.

To put that into context, the Netherland won with 492.

To add further misery, we were deducted five points and reduced to just 11 because of a voting mistake.

Let’s take the hint and just go.