Eating from likely the cheapest takeaway in Carlisle - Mario's

So when the heart craves burgers and chips, but the wallet craves a less cavalier approach to finances, the ether beckons forth: “Mario’s!”

Situated on Botchergate, Mario’s serves vaguely Middle-Eastern fare – kebabs and haleps – with the usual suspects of a no-frills late-night caterer – burgers, chips, pizza, wraps, fried chicken – and some surprises, like tropical salads and traditional Portuguese desserts.

It’s notorious among Carlisle’s nightfolk, one reason being it’s so ridiculously cheap for what you get, and another sadly because it has one of the lowest food hygiene ratings in the Cumberland Council area – one out of five.

The order:

• Chicken and chips - £5.90
• Chicken pakora with pakora sauce - £4.50
• Meal 10 (quarter pound burger, chips, and a can) - £3.90
• Just Eat service charge - £0.30
  • Total - £14.80

The chicken and chips has different pricing options depending on how much chicken you want, this order was the most you could get, and you get a generous side of chips with it.

Fried chicken (Image: Ollie Rawlinson)

There’s nothing special going on here, not that there has to be, but it comes piping hot, crispy and golden brown on the outside, and fully cooked on the inside – a fortifying and hearty meal.

The pakoras are salty and spicy and come with a sauce unfamiliar to me, labelled as ‘pakora sauce’, which is quite tasty.

Chicken pakoras (Image: Ollie Rawlinson)

It’s one of the more expensive ‘side’ options but this could be a meal in itself, although it is not how I have understood pakoras to be in the past (from Indian and Bengali restaurants) but this could be my cultural ignorance showing.

The burger was fine, the cheese was melted, there was ketchup, it was cooked, there’s nothing much more you can or should do with a burger and there’s very little to screw up.

Burger and chips (Image: Ollie Rawlinson)

In fact, it was similar to other burgers I’ve had from similar businesses, and more meaty and flavoursome than a McDonald’s burger – why would it, therefore, cost more than this in the first place?

But it’s really nothing special or especially delicious, it’s not a treat, and it’s nothing new, it simply fills a space that adds to Carlisle’s late-night food market, yet performs due to its very competitive prices.

That being said, the food isn’t necessarily bad either, it’s simply food – nourishment, and the flavours you crave supplied without the budget to match, it’s certainly an endearing quality in a business that provides the essentials and doesn’t present an ego about it.

The elephant in the room is its food hygiene rating, which Cumberland Council said required ‘major improvement’, mostly due to the ‘management of food safety’ – yet I’m still here to tell the tale, for better or worse.