Next Friday night Carlisle United will be live on BBC2 against non-league Dulwich Hamlet in the first round of the FA Cup.

What could possibly go wrong?

I presume the Beeb have chosen this match to give a nation sick of watching Manchester City and Liverpool something a bit different.

Slick passing football is entertaining. But, in its own way, so is seeing a man trip over his feet and fall down.

The good news is that Carlisle have a very good record against non-league opponents.

In November 1987, when they played at non-league Macclesfield Town in the first round of the FA Cup, they hadn’t lost to a non-league team since 1964.

You’ll never guess what happened next.

Are you thinking “I bet I know where this is going: Carlisle must have lost”?

If you are, bear this in mind. With half an hour to go, Carlisle were winning 2-0.

That’s right: they lost 4-2.

I was there. I’ve been to more enjoyable football matches. In fact, I’ve been to more enjoyable funerals.

The segregation between home and away supporters consisted of a low breeze-block wall with chicken wire stuck into it.

Chicken wire struggles to contain chickens. No surprise that young men intent on fighting and throwing things were easily able to tear it down.

Perhaps with the word “chicken” at the forefront of my mind, I ran away.

Some Carlisle fans, perhaps with the word “moron” at the forefront of their minds, goaded the home supporters.

Football in the 1980s was not the family-friendly experience of today.

A month earlier I’d seen Carlisle lose 5-0 at Bolton. Stones were thrown at us by the home supporters.

At Macclesfield, I looked back on that afternoon with deep affection. At least in Bolton, the misery on the pitch and the violence off it came at the hands of a club which had won the FA Cup four times.

I won’t be in south London next Friday night. I’ll be watching the match on TV, cowering behind the sofa in a way I haven’t since the Tom Baker era of Doctor Who.

Will plucky Carlisle United have a chance against the might of Dulwich Hamlet?

Non-league football teams seem to be a wonderfully diverse cross-section of society. They always have a solicitor and someone who works on a building site.

At least we know what they do during the week. With many of Carlisle’s players, that remains a mystery.