The Todhills North and South service stations on the M6 north of Carlisle have been ranked the worst in the UK.

Northgate Vehicle Hire rated every service station in the country by analysing their facilities. These include accommodation, restaurants, Wi-Fi, and amusement arcades.

Todhills North and South came 111th and 112th, out of 112. They are owned by Moto Hospitality Limited.

Perhaps the company should change its name to Moto Limited Hospitality.

But Moto describes Todhills as a rest area, with fewer facilities than a service area.

Trying to find the best motorway service station is a bit like looking for the tallest dwarf.

These are generally grim places, and I say that as someone who is not very fussy.

I ask only two things of service stations:

Sandwiches whose purchase does not prompt an automated text from my bank checking that I’ve authorised spending such a huge sum;

And toilets whose floor doesn’t reveal that I have a hole in the soles of my shoes.

I’ve never stopped at Todhills because it’s only five miles from my home in Carlisle.

I can think of just two reasons why I might go there: meeting someone from the Gretna area halfway, or setting off for Scotland after eating an Indian takeaway the night before.

An ex-girlfriend’s grandfather used to live at Todhills. Not at the service station: that would have been a much better anecdote. He lived in the nearby village.

I went to his house once. And I’m afraid the facilities would not have impressed Northgate Vehicle Hire.

Can you believe there was no Wi-Fi? Ok, it was 1998, but that’s no excuse. There was no amusement arcade either, although the smooth sounds of Radio 2 were excitement enough for me.

There are lies, damned lies, and surveys about service stations. The worth of this survey is summed up for me by the position of Tebay Services. Tebay is widely regarded as among the best service stations in the country. Here it is ranked 103rd.

The lack of accommodation counts against it. If there had been a category for duck ponds it would have been a very different story.

The best service station was rated as Cobham, in Surrey. Its location - the M25 - probably helps. I’d happily pull into a Brexit debate played out in the medium of Morris dancing if it took me off the M25.

The top 10 also includes Norton Canes and Leigh Delamere. I thought this was a list of service stations, not Shakespearean actors.

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The new BrewDog bar in Carlisle has held a promotional event in which customers could swap a grapefruit for half a pint of beer.

BrewDog staff have described this as “different and quirky”.

All good fun... but could it also offer an intriguing glimpse into the future?

If Brexit doesn’t work out well, we may see a lot more of this kind of thing.

The checkout at Tesco: “I don’t have any money.

“But I do have these strawberries that I picked from my garden this morning.

“I ate most of them while I was picking them - you know how it is - but there should still be enough to pay for this tin of beans.”

Maybe everyday life will become like an episode of The Good Life.

We’ll all become self-sufficient and move in with Felicity Kendal.

Producing what you need sounds fine in theory.

But how am I going to grow a packet of razors and a can of shaving gel?

This is where bartering comes in.

You give BrewDog a grapefruit. And BrewDog gives you half a pint of Elvis Juice.

(I don’t like to ask).

All the grapefruits handed in during this offer will be used to make Elvis Juice.

I’ve read a lot about the UK becoming a cashless society.

I didn’t realise grapefruits were going to be the new currency.

Good luck to whoever is tasked with drawing a picture of the Queen on every one.

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Boots has been criticised by some for its research into vitamin D.

The chemist analysed levels around the country. It revealed that people in Carlisle get less vitamin D from sunlight than those in any other English city.

You can imagine the comments: next Boots will be telling us that the Pope is Catholic and Boris Johnson doesn’t mind the sound of his own voice.

I’m less inclined to be critical. Firstly, Boots didn’t think Carlisle was in Scotland. I appreciate that level of knowledge, which is often lacking from companies based south of Penrith. (Not to be confused with Penarth; that’s in Wales).

Personally, I found Boots’ research useful. I hadn’t realised that vitamin D helps to keep bones strong.

My bones must be so weak I’m surprised my entire body isn’t encased in plaster, like someone in hospital in a Laurel and Hardy film.

One solution might be a vitamin D supplement: available in Boots, incidentally. If they sell moisturiser which contains a rust proofer, Boots will have everything required to deal with the Cumbrian climate.