Thursday, 03 September 2015

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Come on ‘ave a go if you think your water’s hard enough...

The north-south divide has been making headlines lately. The north is happier, but poorer. The south has more jobs. The north has more women who smoke while pregnant.

And here’s something to really upset northerners: we are soft. And southerners are hard.

It may come as a relief to learn that these findings refer to water.

The manufacturers of LimeLite limescale remover say that calcium levels in the south tend to be higher, making the water ‘harder’. Limelite tells us that “Hard men of the south such as Ross Kemp and Vinny Jones can relax knowing they hail from one of the hardest areas in the country”.

A consolation for northerners is that we apparently get a more creamy lather from our soap. Splendid. But Reiver would like to see a similar survey which delivers what it promises. A survey which takes the hardest people in the north, the hardest people in the south, and puts them on neutral territory – perhaps a field near Wolverhampton – to finally settle this age-old question.

Ross Kemp and Vinny Jones? Meet Jimmy Nail and... actually, Jimmy could probably handle them both by himself.

Let battle commence.

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