Who'd be an MP?

Looking for a new job? Read on.

Anne Pickles

It’s an odd sort of job for a grown-up.

Absolutely no previous experience required but ability to do as you’re told essential.

Face must fit, ambition unnecessary, cycling proficiency certificate preferred - helmet optional.

School tie, old boys’ network or working men’s club membership will be helpful in career progression. Women candidates will receive guidance on perfecting female window dressing status - former TV presenters favoured.

Start salary around £65k, with job for spouse or offspring, rent paid on second home, unlimited bar tab.

Training will be given for comprehensive professional skills in prevarication, remaining silent in face of financial or sex scandal, failing to answer all direct questions, maintenance of unconcerned calm when under fire from Paxman, filing furniture receipts... and explaining unpaid Commons bar bill to taxpayer.

Fitness coaching will be provided by in-house trainers for agility when avoiding missiles hurled by angry leaders and for nifty ducking and diving when caught offering £5k a day taxi services by a TV crew.

While the position offers all rights and protections under appropriate employment law - and free rail travel - successful candidates who mount unsuccessful coups against party leaders do so at their own risk.

Tweeting advisable, Facebook page obligatory, YouTube video of childbirth optional.
Use of young persons’ language such as: cool, funky, cool, LOL, cool, whatever, cool, spong, cool, chentzed and cool will be monitored against predetermined vocabulary targets.

 This new qualification supersedes previous requirements to kiss babies and care about the price of cider.
Anybody fancy being an MP?