Helen Skelton's playgroup tantrum trauma: How do you cope?

But it’s no preparation for dealing with a screaming toddler. Daredevil TV presenter Helen Skelton is known to like a challenge – but when she tried to take 19-month-old son Ernie to a playgroup it seemed to be a challenge too far.

Helen has told of how Ernie had “screamed the place down”, and his tantrum was so violent that they were asked to leave after 20 minutes.

In an Instagram post she described the experience as “the worst day of my parenting life”.

She added: "I felt like an awful mother. I was thinking: 'I hadn't socialised him enough, I hadn't done enough.'"

It’s not unusual for children of Ernie’s age and older to kick off when they’re taken to a childminder, playgroup or nursery and left their by their parents.

It could be the first time they’re without Mum and Dad – and particular for eldest or only children it could be the first time they’ve had to deal with other youngsters.

Gemma Cuppello and her partner Phil Robinson has seen it.

They have a two and a half-year-old daughter Lily. Gemma, 27, works long hours as a home carer with elderly and disabled people, and so when Lily was 10 months she went to a childminder.

It didn’t work out. “Lily seemed to get panicky at the thought of going,” her mum recalls. “She didn’t like it there.”

Gemma stresses that she’s not blaming the childminder herself. Perhaps it was just that Lily was that much younger at the time.

But for the last few months she’s been attending another one, and Gemma, from Harraby in Carlisle, notes: “She’s very settled there. She was a bit clingy at first and would hold onto me but now she’s absolutely fine.

“I always knew that I’d be a working mum and I was quite concerned about that. It’s nice for me to know that she’s going somewhere where she’s happy.”

So what advice would she offer Helen? “Definitely persevere,” she says without hesitation. “Lily does dance lessons as well, and when she first started she kicked off, she really wouldn’t participate.

“But we just kept on going. Now she really enjoys it and looks forward to going.

“I’d say to Helen: it’s fear of the unknown. Once they gain their confidence they’ll be okay.

“You may have to put up with the odd tantrum, and it can be embarrassing, but other mums will understand that.”

And Gemma is certain the experience of being with others will bring benefits for Lily when she starts school.

“It’s definitely increased her confidence and her ability to play with other children. Hopefully she’ll be able to share, and be nice.”

Elma Dey is manager of St Aidan’s day nursery, which has two bases in Carlisle, in Harraby and near the city centre – and 130 children between the two.

Its highly trained staff look after youngsters aged from three months up to five years. How they react to being taken there varies enormously, she finds, from tantrums to perfect serenity.

Elma has worked at St Aidan’s since 2003, and she observes: “Some have never left their mums before, and it’s the first time coming into new surroundings with new people. Or they may have older siblings or have been at a playgroup. They are all individuals.”

So a careful induction process is followed. “First the parents stay with their children. They’ll fill out the paperwork while the child is playing.

“Next time, the parents will leave for 15 minutes or half an hour. If the child gets distressed we phone them immediately so they can come back.

“Then we gradually increase the time when the parents are away.”

The aim is that Mum or Dad can eventually leave their child for a full session – 8am to 1pm or 1pm to 6pm.

For some children a few steps are all it takes, while for others it will be much more gradual. “We take it as slowly as they need to,” Elma says. “They do take eventually.”

One way to alleviate any upset is through the ‘special box’ or ‘special basket’ in each room, where items that reassure individual children are kept.

“It could a special toy, or a comforter, or family photos,” she explains. “If they need it it’s there for them.”

Elma adds: “It’s a trauma for parents as well as for children. It’s a big deal, leaving your child in strangers’ care.

“Some parents come back early and look in the window, and can see them playing there quite happily.”

Sarah Cooper is 40 and began working in nurseries at the age of 18, so now has 22 years of experience. She is manager of Crosby Nursery, which has 134 children aged from six months to five.

She has had a few children kick off when they’re taken to nursery for the first time, as all nurseries and childminders do. But like Elma, she points out that it’s not just the children who can get distressed.

“When a parent leaves their child off at nursery for the first time they can feel a little bit guilty, and that’s perfectly natural. They are their most precious thing.”

To ease the children in without distress, she operates the same sort of induction process as St Aidan’s, where parents can be there with their children, then leave them for small doses initially, and increase the time away by degrees.

Another characteristic it shares with the Carlisle nursery is a system of “key workers”.

“They are the first point of contact for a parent. And they also form a relationship with their child, so the child has someone to go to if they get upset.

If a child is upset staff always try to find out what is wrong, and encourage them to tell them, if they are old enough. Finding out the cause of he upset is halfway towards dealing with it.

And it might be nothing serious. “We all have our grumpy days.” Sarah points out.

“Maybe they want to play outside that day. Maybe they want to do a particular activity – they just want to play with Peppa Pig.

“But the idea that children should be seen and not heard is long gone. Children need to be listened to.

“We talk about feelings through games and songs and stories, and that helps them understand their own emotions and why they might feel the way they do.”

And Sarah agrees that that experience, of being away from Mum and Dad and with other youngsters, is helpful for any child.

“Going to school can be daunting for a little one if they haven’t been in that environment with other children.”

She feels it benefited her own daughter Katie, aged five, now at primary school. “She’s a very confident little girl, very happy. I’ve been very lucky, I’ve never really had problems with her.”

Distraction is often the best way to encourage a child to forget what’s distressing them and engage. “Katie might have one morning when she’s less enthusiastic. So at school they might ask her to do a certain task to distract her from the feeling.”

Her advice to Helen is not to give up on giving Ernie that pre-school experience. It could be that Ernie just needs a much longer induction process at the playgroup – more sessions when Helen stays there with him.

“I’d say to her: don’t be defeated by it. Go back and work with the nursery and stay there with him a few times.

“When a child sees their parents comfortable and happy there, that reassures them.”

It may all turn out alright for her in the end. “Some children do start to get upset when they first come. After a while they get upset when their parents come to collect them, because they don’t want to go home!”

And at least Helen will know what to expect second time round. She’s expecting another child in the spring – and will have it all to do over again.